If various martial arts were people at a party


Go off, Taekwondo. (Andres Chapparo/Pexels)

I wrote this last week, and was looking for a place to publish it. Then I remembered I had  a largely abandoned martial arts blog. (Thanks to Natalie Zed for her notes.)

Muay Thai: Has been abroad, wants you to know about it.

Muay Boran: Has also been abroad, low key condescending about Muay Thai’s travels. “Yeah, Full Moon parties are cool when you’re 19. Oh, you went at 28. That’s cool too. I just like it to be a little more real when I travel.”

Pradal Serey: Thinks it’s cute that Muay Boran thinks a hostel in Nepal is “real.” Has been kidnapped by insurgents in three different countries. For no real reason.

Karate: Has trouble reading a room. Talked to you for way too long about model trains. Isn’t very confident with women.

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu: Has trouble reading a room. Talked to you for way too long about Bernie Sanders. Is far too confident with women.

Capoeira: Keeps finding reasons to take his shirt off. Has brought bongos.

Taekwondo: Seems like kind of a boring normy girl at first. It turns out she’s really funny and a great dancer after three drinks.

No-Gi Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu: Doesn’t agree with everything Jordan Peterson says, but…

Tai Chi: Talked to you about astrology for a very long time.

Wing Chun: Tai Chi’s boyfriend. Vegan. Let’s you know about it. Has a ponytail. Overpronounces foreign words. Is pansexual.

Medieval Martial Arts: Friend of Wing Chun’s. You initially think he might be in a polyamorous triad with Wing and Tai Chi, but later on Tai Chi tells you she doesn’t even like him and is sick of him hanging out at their apartment all the time.

Akido: Sits in the corner alone all night, doesn’t talk to anyone. Stares very intensely. Messages you the next day to say she had a great time.

Hapkido: If someone confuses her with Akido again, she’s gonna fucking lose it.

Dutch Kickboxing: Has been mistaken for Muay Thai like seven times tonight. It’s cool though, he’s used to it.

Boxing: Has a lot of cool stories about the ’90s. After half an hour, you realize that’s pretty much all he’s gonna give you tonight.

Sumo: Seems really intimidating at first, but is actually a really cool guy when you kick it with him. You think he and Taekwondo would hit it off.

Judo: Is a little bit older than everyone else at this party. No one would notice, but he keeps self-consciously mentioning it.

Knocking and Kicking: Is even older than Judo. Isn’t worried about it at all. Somehow it makes him cooler.

Krav Maga: Just lost a LOT of money in crypto. Is doubling down.

Kendo: Krav Maga’s weird English friend. Has a lot of opinions about what women should and shouldn’t do. His glasses are filthy.

Eskrima: Came with Krav Maga and Kendo, but doesn’t, like, “know them know them.” They just train at the same place. At one point someone thinks he’s a pizza guy.

MMA: Dressed like he just got here from 2007. Kind of a macho dick. Starting to make people uncomfortable.

Sambo: Putting out a very intense vibe, but is being cool for now. Later on in the evening, after MMA says something weird to Taekwondo about how she’d get in a lot of trouble “out on the street,” he has a few quiet words with MMA. MMA leaves shortly after. Everybody cheers.

Jeet Kune Do: Is wearing sunglasses, inside, at 11:30 p.m.